SEARCH RESULTS

I've been fairly quiet on here lately. I created the website, added a few blog posts, and then...sort of disappeared. The reasons are simple, on the surface. I was working hard on the photography side of things, getting that corner of the website set up, and my daughter had a lot of stuff going on in her life and my husband and I were focused on helping her out and eventually moving her back home. All of this took time and attention away from writing. But there was more to it. I could have found the time to write several blog posts while all that was going on. But I didn't. I chose to do other things. I started a blog and then almost immediately put it on the back burner. The truth is, I love writing. I started this blog because I know I love writing. I wanted an outlet for writing. I know that there are more things I want to say. But shortly after I started the blog, I found that I couldn't access my writing voice. I'd intend fully to work on a post, and then I'd have nothing to write. Crickets. I also found myself not able to write poetry, something I'd been working on fairly consistently for months. I spent a few weeks shaming myself for not having anything to say, and then I did my best to set that aside. I noticed that while my writing was feeling blocked, my photography wasn't. It was calling to me loudly and clearly. And very surprisingly, I was liking the idea of doing some gardening. I wanted to grow things. I bought some tomato plants, even though I have firmly told myself that I would not, under any circumstances, attempt to grow tomatoes again. Such lofty dreams are meant for those with much greener thumbs than I. But then, despite my wiser intentions, I found myself with two tomato plants. And then I lost my mind even more and bought seeds to grow green beans, carrots, and lettuce. Honestly, I don't even know what happened. I wasn't writing, and I was planting a vegetable garden. The world had turned upside down. But I went with it, because it's easier to embrace the insanity than to fight it. I spent the summer digging in the garden and playing with my family. I stood barefoot in the dirt and ate a green bean fresh from the vine. I sat on the patio for hours on Saturday mornings and soaked up the sunshine while I chatted aimlessly with my husband. I went on long walks to nowhere, and short strolls to get ice cream. I edited photos and sent them in to art shows around the country, just for kicks. I strutted around like a queen when those photos got accepted. In short, I played. I let go of expectations to perform, and just went where it felt like fun. I let my creativity off the hook, and stopped asking it to show up when and how I wanted it to. Instead I asked it how it would like to play today, and I focused on finding the creative flow. I told myself I would let go of all expectations for productivity over the summer, except for my newsletter, because I wanted to share with my subscribers how this all was going, and I'd pick up whatever I wanted to in the fall. Take the summer off to be with my family. It turns out, it's not only kids who benefit from taking several weeks off from the usual grind. Adults need time to play too, and I don't mean to make a sexual innuendo when I say that, either. None of us are robots, designed to just keep producing over and over again. We are human beings, part of creation, and our needs have seasons just like the rest of creation. The well-trained monkey in my head who keeps chattering away judgmentally no matter how many times I tell him to knock it off told me that I was slacking, that I was letting myself down by allowing myself to step away from my goals for a while. But the reality turned out to be the opposite. By stepping away for a bit, and allowing myself to go where it felt like fun, I was able to recharge my batteries. I could clear my head, and as my kids started getting ready to go back to school, the creative part of my brain started to look for new challenges again. My writing voice didn't automatically return, but the desire to write started to creep back in, along with the desire to play with words in other ways. I started dreaming about making memes using my poetry and my intuitive journal writing. And still I didn't rush right back into it. I sat with the stirrings and allowed them to build. I had promised myself I'd take the summer off, and I didn't want to break that promise to myself. So I waited, increasingly impatiently, until the first day of school came. Now, I'd love to tell you that I immediately sat down and began writing prolifically, and creative genius poured out of me. Not so. Not even close. But I did sit down and began writing. I returned to showing up for my creativity at my laptop again, morning after morning. And if I hadn't, that would have been okay, too. The point is simply to keep showing up, in whatever way feels good at the moment. If the desire to write hadn't come back at summer's end, that would have been perfectly fine. My break wasn't about "fixing" writer's block. It was about keeping my commitment to myself to keep showing up for creativity. Not in a particular way, just in whatever way I chose at that moment. That could look like writing a novel, or it could be staring at the clouds and finding images in them. It was about going with the creative flow, rather than trying to force it to go in a particular direction. It's funny, isn't it, how we try to make creativity behave like an assembly line. We try to line everything up just so, neat and orderly, and then ask creativity to perform. And then we are shocked and disappointed when creativity doesn't follow our directions. But creativity was never meant to behave like it. Creativity is a meandering line to an unforeseen destination, not a straight path to a predetermined goal. Our job isn't to straighten the line, but to learn to enjoy the surprises and left turns along the way to who-knows-where. It's not the easiest path, but it is a heck of a lot more fun. Love, Amy

I am fantastic at dreaming and planning. A queen at it. I can sit down with a blank piece of paper and some markers, and craft the most gorgeous life you've ever seen. A thing of beauty. It would bring tears to your eyes. Unfortunately, the vision stays right there on the paper. The actual creation of that life is another story altogether. Mostly it just doesn't happen. I just do the visioning part over and over again. It's not that I don't have the skills to actually carry out the action steps. On the Meyers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, I'm an INFJ, which should mean that I am capable of being both the visionary and the doer. Theoretically, I can both dream the dream and bring it into reality without great difficulty. I should be aces at this. But in actuality, I seem to hit the skids on a regular basis. This is what I think happens: I'm not so good at just letting things be, once I've embarked on a journey. I immediately start questioning myself. I forget what my original dream was, and I start complicating things. Fear and anxiety get the best of me, and I start thinking in terms of "should" rather than flowing with what I really want to do. It's like I'm living in one of those mazes where you know there's something great waiting for you just outside the maze, and you know there's a path laid out that will get you there, but you can't seem to get there because you keep taking these wrong turns and the map doesn't make any sense, and you know that if you could just get to a higher level you could see what you need to do. And then I pick up my camera and get outside, and suddenly things become so clear. I stop questioning my every thought, and all the wrong paths disappear from my mind altogether. The only path that remains is the one that leads me directly to the great thing. This is what creativity does for me. It connects me deeply with my most true self, and empowers me to share that self with the world. My fearful thoughts all drift away, and for a little while the inner beast is quiet. One of my clients recently told me that creativity does the same thing for her. She has a personality disorder, and she often hears negative thoughts telling her that no one in her life loves her, and that she's just a nuisance who nobody really cares about. When these voices get really strong, she turns to her creative hobbies, and something about getting in the zone and focusing on creation just drowns out those voices. Once those voices are gone, she is able to find her balance again. Eventually the inner beast comes back, of course, for both of us, but those moments of peace, calm, and inspiration are a balm to my otherwise perfectionist-seeking brain. They are why I keep going back to my creative endeavors, even when my inner fearful, anxious beast is very nervous about them, even when I convince myself I don't have time for them, and even when the world doesn't respond in the way my beast wants it to. Because ultimately, I'm not writing or taking pictures for them. Really, underneath it all, I'm just doing it for me. I'm doing it because it helps me align with the deepest and truest version of me. If someone else likes what that "me" has to say, then wonderful. I'm thrilled if the realest me can be of service to someone else. But if I'm only serving myself, that's a worthy enough cause. If I'm only taking that picture for me, so that I can be reminded of how beautiful this world is, that's good enough. I deserve that reminder as much as anyone else. My words, my dreams, and my voice matters just as much as everyone else's. And so does yours. Speak your words for you. Put your truths, your feelings, your dreams out into the world. Even if your inner beast gets very nervous. Even if you think you don't have time. Even if the world doesn't respond in the way that you want it to. Do it anyway, so that you can connect with that truest, most real version of you. Because you deserve to get to know THAT version of you, underneath the fearful inner beast. We are all more than our fears. Love, Amy

I don't know when it started, but at some point I started playing the comparison game. Along with it came its good friend "Image". Image and comparison told me that what matters is how something looks, not how it feels on the inside. And even if something happens that does feels good on the inside, it doesn't really matter if I can't make it look good on the outside too. An accomplishment that I'm so proud of only truly matters if I can share it on social media and it gets a lot of positive attention. This turned into the idea that self-improvement is all about looking evolved, not necessarily doing the inner hard work to actually grow as a person. What matters is that I look calm and healthy on the outside, never mind the anger or grief I am stuffing down and refusing to deal with on the inside. As for following my dreams and enjoying my life, the key there is to do things that look good on Instagram (always compared to what other people are doing, of course). My focus became much more about how my life looked, and not so much about getting busy doing the things that I actually found fulfilling. A few months ago, I started deciding I didn't want to play that game. To be honest, it wasn't as much of a decision to step away as it was a realization that I had forgotten about the game altogether. I was working a lot of hours in a job I loved, we had just moved into our new house, and I was too busy living my life to remember to hop onto social media. And without that feed constantly in my face, I started thinking about what I actually wanted, for myself, instead of what I thought I should want because it's what other people wanted. And then I started to feel guilty for not playing the game, or more accurately feeling like I should feel guilty, and maybe a little guilty that I didn't feel guilty (heaven forbid I feel comfortable with not playing the game) because the reality is I didn't miss the game. I didn't miss the algorithm. I didn't miss the comparison and the focus on image. Instead, I started remembering what I loved. I started reading a lot again. In fact, picking up a book replaced picking up my phone. I started thinking about trips I actually wanted to take. I started to sink into the moments, instead of spending them figuring out how I could Instagram them. I remembered pieces of myself that I had forgotten, like what a badass my childhood self was. She didn't care so much about what other people thought, and was much more of a free spirit. Somewhere along the line, she got buried under people pleasing. It's hard to be a free spirit, focused on what you want and listening to your inner wisdom, when you're spending all your time comparing yourself to the image of what other people are doing. I'm realizing how much power and freedom there is in connecting with your own inner wisdom, and following that, and by necessity disconnecting from what other people think you should be doing with your life, your body, or your relationships. I'm enjoying the excitement that comes from remembering my own dreams, and coming up with new things I'd like to do. I'm worrying so much less about what other people think of my life, and am focusing much more on what I think of my life. Because here's the thing: there really are very few rules to this life. There are some guidelines, sure, like don't be an asshole. But really, the things that we think of as "rules" are actually made-up. Someone somewhere along the line thought that this particular action was a good idea, and got a lot of other people on board, and boom, now we have a "rule". But who says that original guy (I don't know if it was a guy, but it was probably a guy. No offense to the guys.) has the right to have any decision-making power over your life? Who says he gets to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing? What business is it of his, anyway? But we all got together and decided that this "rule" was a good one, likely because it meant that one group of people had the power, or could continue to hold on to the power they had already accumulated. And the truth I am starting to realize is that I think I am over letting my life be limited by some made-up rules that only exist so that one group of people can hold on to the power they have somehow acquired over my life. Power that I inadvertently gave them by agreeing to the rules of this game in the first place. Not only do I not agree to the rules anymore, I don't even want to play the same game. By overcoming image and comparison, we can do what truly feels good to us instead. Let's make up a different game, one where everyone gets to make the decisions that are right for them, and we don't spend our time comparing ourselves to each other. Instead, let's focus on building each other up, supporting each other, loving each other, and being generally kind people to each other. You in?

I'm currently sitting in a cozy corner in a coffee shop, with my laptop and a decaf coffee, listening to random conversations around me and looking out the window at a rainy day. Hundreds of tiny decisions over the years have brought me to this moment, and I'm so grateful for every one of them. Four days a week, I'm in my office, doing work I adore. I am a marriage and family therapist, and it took me five years of consistent, daily work to get to this point. One day a week I have to myself, to write or create or do whatever feels aligned that day. My life is a work in progress, just like yours. I've grown a lot over the years, made a ton of mistakes, and a bunch of changes that I'm really proud of. And I have many dreams still in me that I'm hoping come true. I don't know what's ahead of me, but I'm happy about where I am today, and excited to see what happens next. This didn't used to be the case. I have a mental health history that includes depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD. I have had months where I was afraid to go anywhere, even pick my kids up from school. I can recall many mornings where getting out of bed felt impossible. I cannot tell you how many nights I have lain awake in bed locked in fear, not able to even close my eyes, let alone relax enough to fall asleep. It took therapy and a lot of personal inner work to be able to let go of most of that, and learn how to effectively manage the rest of it. I can't say that those moments won't ever come back, because mental health issues tend to be cyclical, and things you thought you released can show back up and bite you when you least expect it. But they aren't usually part of my daily reality anymore, and for that I am incredibly grateful. I feel blessed to be able to live the life I have today, full of things that I love: creativity, books, cozy moments connecting with my friends and family, photography, and writing. I get to do work that I love and find endlessly fascinating and meaningful. I get to indulge my love of chai tea, and my addiction to podcasts, on a daily basis. I am learning how to love my body and take good care of it, and in return it is taking good care of me as well. My intention with this website is to learn how to continue this journey of building a life I love, and along the way I hope to help you do the same. Wherever you find yourself, there are always going to be places where support and guidance would be helpful, along with beautiful moments to celebrate. I invite you to follow along and take what feels aligned for you. If you so desire, you can connect with me by emailing me, signing up for my newsletter, or following me on Instagram. Thank you for joining me on this journey, whether you read one blog post or many. I am happy you are here, and I hope we will get to know each other better. Love, Amy

My house has been very noisy lately. There are three adults and three kids living in it, and it feels like there are people everywhere. As a result, I spend a lot of time at home craving solitude and silence. When I find a few moments to sit and write, this craving is often at the top of my mind. It comes out in a multitude of ways, and this poem was how it showed up this time.