Embracing the Beauty Amidst Life's Chaos

I remember the moment so clearly. I was video chatting with my husband while I was away on a work trip, and I could see different parts of our house behind him as he walked around during our call. I remember being so surprised by how our house looked, behind a video screen and my husband's shoulder. Somehow, the separation provided by the screen gave me a completely different perspective on my own house, and suddenly it looked...nice. Pretty, even. I'm sure there were toys on the floor and laundry everywhere, because we had young children at the time and the house always had toys and laundry everywhere. But the screen blocked my view of most things, and all I could see was the antique furniture that my mom gave me, the light filtering through the big windows, and the art on the walls. Things that I walked by every day and barely even noticed anymore. Things that I ignored because all I could see were the toys and the laundry.

Several years ago, the idea of putting your unfiltered life out on social media became a big thing, as people were fighting back against the idea of a "perfect aesthetic". A lot of women started leaning into and promoting the idea of "perfectly imperfect", which is problematic in its own way, to be sure, but I did like the idea of not having to hide the reality of my life. Or at least some of the reality of my life. Nobody needs to know what my brother-in-law said at Thanksgiving dinner last year. But after years of photos consisting of polished filters, happy couples, and spotless children and homes, the idea that we could be more real with our reality was refreshing.

I'm still a big fan of showing the truths of our lives and not promoting the false idea that we have it all together, especially when most of us are actually about two bad days away from cashing it all in and moving to Mexico. But somewhere between hitting "post" on the truthful photo and going on that work trip, I forgot to look up from my brutal honesty and notice the whole picture. Yes, there is a mountain of laundry on my floor that could be considered a valid climb for an ambitious rock climber. But there is also a vase of roses, and huge windows that let in the perfect amount of light, and beautiful plants in the windowsills. There is a patchwork quilt, soft blankets, and a stack of journals just waiting for my thoughts. There is gentle beauty tucked into corners, and spaces for quiet reflection waiting patiently. And I had been missing it all, because I got so caught up in calling attention to the mess, I forgot to notice the beauty.

One of the things that I appreciate so much about Zen meditation, which I practice very sporadically, is the focus on noticing your life, simply and honestly, without judging or commenting on it. Just notice it, and notice it fully. I am not good at this. My strengths lie elsewhere, like in hyper-fixating on completely irrelevant details and missing everything else. My tendency towards tunnel vision has its benefits, sure, but it's not so great when it comes to having a balanced view of my life, or my house. And when I'm not zoning in on random things that don't matter, I'm taking in absolutely everything and can't really process any of it. Until I pick up my camera.

With my camera in my hand, my brain shifts, and suddenly I can see the whole picture, clearly. I can see the beauty and the mess, and I can pick out exactly what needs my focus. Sometimes I go around my house with a camera, with the specific goal of finding the beauty that is existing alongside the mess, so that I don't miss it. And it's always there. The practice reminds me to stop, take a deep breath, and notice my whole life, see the whole picture. Hold the beauty in one hand, and the mess in the other.

I've been struggling to remember how to see the beauty in my life lately. I am seeing a lot of the mess, and not much beauty. Well, no, that's not fully true. I notice the beauty, but I discount it. I decide that the mess is more important, and I let it shove the beauty to the side. It's an easy thing to do when your life is a mess. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think that there's a fear in there, something about letting the beauty distract me from acknowledging the truths inside the mess. But the reality is that the beauty isn't a distraction from the truth. It's part of the truth. Life isn't just errands and laundry and emails. It's also a soft blanket, holding a hand, glasses of wine, rocking chairs on the porch, and a flickering candle. I take pictures of these moments because they remind me that they exist, and that these moments, as much as anything else, make up my life. They are the reason I deal with all the rest. That beauty that I tend to ignore is actually the whole point.

Love,

Amy